Blogs of Fake IPL Player

 

Lord Almighty (Sourav Ganguly) just walked past me. He nodded at me and acknowledged my presence, for the first time I think. That's a start. He has been kind of insecure since yesterday when he was stripped of his captaincy. He is trying to gauge who all are in his side. Most of us are just plain confused. We are just playing the middle path... me, keeping myself at a distance from both parties - Lord Almighty (Sourav Ganguly) and the Phoren Babas (Brendon Mc Cullum and the coach John Buchanan). Others, however, are sucking up to both... Haha! (APRIL 18, 2009)

I am in a very respectful mood. I have new found respect for Bhookha Naan (Coach John Buchanan) and his coterie of ill advisors. I mean, their insight into the game is par excellence. They can see things that us mortals just can't. To begin with they select Shakespeare (Akash Chopra) and Ganji Hanger for a T20 tournament. That itself was genius. And then they sack them after just one inning each. Being the ignorant fool that I am, I thought they played just as all of us had always expected them too. But, I think Bhookha (Coach John Buchanan) must have seen something that we couldn't and suddenly realised that they do not fit in. I wish I could fall at their feet and pray for enlightenment. Tell me, Oh my Master, what did you see in those 2 innings that you hadn't known all along? What startling revelation was caught by only your eyes and nobody else's? Tell me, please tell me, your enlightened soul, how do I see things beyond what is obvious? (APRIL 26, 2009)

A few hundred kms away, the Bevdaas (Bangalore Royal Challengers) have problems of a different kind. Their rock star Peter Ka Beta (Petersen), now known as Re-Peter, is all set to repeat their performance of last season. In fact, they may go one step better this time. What else do u expect when you sign on a star, make him captain, allow him to play only a few matches, forgive him forgetting his own players' names, have fun at ur expense and then return home with a fat pay cheque. Some guys have all the luck, don't they? (APRIL 26, 2009)

Now we have 11 Indians from whom 7 will be selected and 9 foreigners from whom 4 will be selected. Ratios and Proportions have taken an entirely new meaning for me. I am learning soooo much on this tour that it's not funny. (APRIL 26, 2009)

It's been more than 24 hours and yesterday's loss still hurts. After the game, as I shook hands with the skipper, I felt a tinge of guilt. The pain of loss was evident in the Skip's eyes. For all the uncomplimentary things I may have written about him, the guy definitely gave it his best. It's just that he had to handle a lot more baggage than he was prepared for. The worst part is, he didn't create any of the baggage, it was handed to him. He inherited a fractured squad, bloated egos, a string of hangers on, a demanding owner, and an unforgiving public. After the game, the skipper addressed all of us. He spoke of his failure as a player and a leader, owned up responsibility, promised everyone a chance to show his mettle, and encouraged us to take one game at a time. (MAY 4, 2009)

The Kiwi coach will also leave us tomorrow after the game. He's had a highly educative few days, marked with a very sharp learning curve, and he leaves with a halo around his head now. As he gathers all the pearls of wisdom he has collected and takes the Kiwi team to the T20 WC, we all know who the most dangerous team in that competition is going to be. All the best Mr. Mole. If you need any any assitance, our coach will soon be available. (MAY 4, 2009)

Before we boarded the flight, news went around that Bhookha isn't happy with just 4 foreign players allowed in the 11. That's a valid point actually, and I think all of us owe him an apology. Sorry Mr. Naan. (Coach John Buchanan) We forgot to tell you that this is the INDIAN premier league.(MAY 4, 2009)

After the last match, Lordie's had a quiet word with Skipper. Essentially telling him that if they have him in the side they need to use him properly. Can't blame Lordie, you know. The guy padded up almost as soon as the openers were in. And he remained padded up for the rest of the inning. At his age, padding up and padding down is quite an effort, you know. These foreigners have absolutely no respect for the elderly, I tell you. (WEDNESDAY, MAY 6, 2009)

Talking about Appam Chutiya, the single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants. My congratulations to all those who've made his name such a cult. In the last match, even the crowd in SA was calling him Appam. I would assume a Nobel Peace Prize for such service to humanity may not be too far fetched, would it? (WEDNESDAY, MAY 6, 2009)

Yet another game. Yet another spectacular display. And we find ourselves with most games under our belt and least points to show for it. In fact, we are the only team who has lesser points than games played. Now beat that guys! (TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2009)

Before the game, we had a pep talk from Deputy Coach. All he talked about was fielding. And in some ways, he seemed to refer to us desi boys when talking about sloppy fielding. While we are certainly not the best fielders in the world, most of our young boys are as good as any, and I thought this was a little unjustified. And as our desi boys were doing us proud on the field, overrunning the ball, slipping clumsily, throwing wild, we were all squirming in our seats. From the corner of my eyes I noticed the coaches exchanging 'all-knowing' glances. And then, Skipper himself grassed a sitter. I, like some others on the bench, heaved a sigh of relief. At least now we won't be singled out. This time though, the coaches just stared at the field blankly. No look, no expression, no smirk. By the end of the game we had shown the world what an equal opportunity team we are. Irrespective of nationality, caste, colour, creed, everyone in the team had dropped catches. Wow! Talk about team spirit. If dropping catches wasn't embarassing enough, our young boy Bubaan not only dropped a catch, he also showed half the stadium behind us his white cotton 'andar ki baat' while doing so. Dildo is furious at this gross indecent exposure. He feels this one act of negligence has caused more harm to our reputation than all our defeats put together. What's the point of spending so much money on designer jerseys if players wear their nadavalas under them? We have been told that, as per Dildo's orders, each of us will get 500 Rands to buy better looking jockeys. Good news for all of us, with the exception of Buddhiman Baba who is now a nervous wreck. He has been informed that in all of Africa they don't make jockeys his size. (TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2009)

Before we boarded the flight, news went around that Bhookha isn't happy with just 4 foreign players allowed in the 11. That's a valid point actually, and I think all of us owe him an apology. Sorry Mr. Naan. We forgot to tell you that this is the INDIAN premier league (MONDAY, MAY 4, 2009)

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